My one, my only...

   A little over six months ago, I stumbled upon this brilliant thing known as college and I met a most interesting mixture of three amazing men that I now can call my best friends. I believe it was around, well, around a week into our knowing of each others existence that I fell in love with man number one; Dakota.    

   Dakota Smith. 

   I stared blankly with my bored mind across this sea of Mac computers during my first day of photo class, simply people watching my fellow photography students until my eyes fell upon someone who managed to hold my rapid and curious eyes to one single stare. He had this gorgeous head of hair that fell oh so beautifully above his huge blue eyes, and he had the arms that for some strange reason I already found myself curious as to what they felt like to be held in. 

   Two days later i strutted into my class, sharply at 6pm, and before i sat down, I leaned slightly over the top of the computer in front of me, knowing fully that I had dressed myself in one of my favorite flowery dresses. Not because the weather was beautiful that particular thursday night. Not because I felt like it helped cure my bad self esteem issues in the least bit. But because I knew it showed my breasts perfectly.       Yes, I was planning to lure the man of my dreams in, during a photography class, using the simply tactic of allowing my cleavage to show a little (okay, maybe a LOT) more than usual. 

His name was Dakota. We exchanged phone numbers that evening and I hopefully returned to my dorm room, already attempting to send a few flirtatious text messages. 

At some point, somehow I managed to catch his attention, and well, the rest...? Is history. :) 

I fell in love, we made love, we promised each other forever, and we fully exchanged hearts.

Six months later, through an organization in school, Dakota had the opportunity to travel to the country of Switzerland over our spring break. Now, something you should know ahead of time is that my biggest desire in life is to travel the world, but I have never gotten the chance to travel anywhere further than the southern United States. 

   I've always for some reason been surrounded by friends and family who get to travel. I've grown up to dislike tourism gifts if they are from someone else, from a place I haven't been and I don't particularly like hearing people tell me all about their big trips and all. It's just how I've always been. I know and admit that it is all complete ego. 

   So Dakota left for his trip, and I stayed here in the good ol' US of A where everything is the same ol' same ol' and of course, my jealousy had began to settle in. 

   The only communication we could have was basically a once daily skype date before he went to bed (mid day for me). 

   Well today, I was coming back from a trip to visit family, an eight hour drive, so I wasn't able to skype Dakota at the time he could. I told him that I could wake up in my middle of the night (his next morning) so that we could talk but he insisted on going to sleep for a few hours while I drove the rest of the way home and then waking up to skype me for a little bit before returning to his nights sleep. 

   I ran to my room after unpacking the cars and gave him a call on his cell phone, oh so excited to see and talk to my baby (the skype date the day before had not gone so well because I was not feeling well, and of course the jealousy factor while still trying to let him tell me about his adventures of the day) When he answered the phone, he sounded mad, frustrated and annoyed to have to wake up and talk to me so obviously I was a little upset. I told him to go back to bed. 

   Basically, as I answered his call, all that I saw were tears falling from his reddened eyes. I started to tear up at just the sight of y baby crying. I hated it but I didn't understand what was wrong. 

   He explained to me that he hates being gone without me, knowing that I want to travel so very badly and he told me that all he wanted to do was to make me as happy as possible while he was away. 

   

   I realized tonight just exactly what love means. It isn't a fairy tell with a princess locked away in a castle waiting for a her prince's kiss. Love isn't tow people going out to eat a spaghetti dinner and a slice of new york cheesecake for dessert. It isn't the kiss at the end of a perfect date, nor is it the laced fingers of teenagers walking through the crowded mall. 

   Love is the sunshine in the morning with the dew on the blades of grass. Love is the flower blooming so beautifully in the spring. It's the birds chirping at your window sill to call you to another day's work, and the tear falling from a smiling girls face. 

   Today I came to the realization that Dakota Smith is in absolute love with me and I'm in absolute love with him. There is no other man I ever dream of with the sunrise behind him while the birds chirp peaceful songs and the flowers bloom oh so slowly and a tear falls from my smiling face. There is no other human being that I have ever felt so incredibly a part of, so incredibly desired by and so incredibly loved by. 

I only wish there were words that could tell him what he means to me because Dakota Smith, you are my one, my only... 

Images, I know EXACTLY what you mean...

These are works y a photographer i stumbled upon and i thought they were worth a share, especially for you Luis... :) they made me think about a few things... now go ponder away :)

Laughing at Life's Realities...

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life’s realities.”

-Dr. Suess

I stumbled upon this list of quotes by the man we all know as Dr. Suess and of course quickly submerged myself into the depths of his poetic rhyming words that causes the mouths of parents to almost sing along their children to bed. 

"Laughing at life's realities." Hmmm... Maybe if we all start picking up a telescope and looking at our everyday lives through it upside down, do you think you could giggle at what we actually live in? Maybe you'll learn what I've learned and that is that there are way more interesting ways to look at and enjoy life and existence than what your reality is currently producing.

The Image in the Mirror

A few days ago I stopped at a gas station to get gas and go in a get a coffee; a simple task and mission for the evening. I filled my coffee cup to the brim, grabbed an energy drink for the morning to come, and ventured towards the counter to purchase my items. This white guy, only a little older than myself I assume, was standing happy and quite energetically at the counter and so of course a small conversation ensued between the two of us. Nothing abnormal... But then the man glances down to the gold and amethyst stones dangling on my chest. Then he glances towards my eyes and simply asks " Are you Hindu?"
My initial thoughts?... Hindu? Did he really just ask if I was Hindu? I'm white... obviously. What on earth?
I thought the man was crazy, honestly and momentarily.
Soon he clarified that the Indian/Hindu style gold figure hanging along with my necklace gave him the idea.
I quickly of course answered that I am not Hindu and then stood in silent astonishment at my own subconscious and impulse questioning.

Why? Was it a necessary thought for me to assume this man was crazy for thinking a random Caucasian woman could practice Hinduism on her own time?

Well it certainly isn't an abnormal thought process. The majority of people today, are obsessed with something as simple as the word "image." Even from the time we are children we are brainwashed into believing that the only way you will every be pretty and have a perfect life is if you have the unrealistic figure of Barbie, marry Ken and live in the Dream House... A realistic situation for the majority of middle aged individuals today? Obviously not. So why do we still try? Why do we kill ourselves over such things?

A few days back I was getting dressed for my brother's orchestra recital. I had on nice slacks and one of my favorite new tops i got for christmas. I danced around the house after getting dressed, looking for my make up and jewelry and after finding it i stepped back into my room, slipped in front of the mirror and.... I was disgusted. I stood there, shoulders now slumped, looking at my body, just my body. I twisted and turned in a melancholy body language state. Dakota told me " Haley, you're killing yourself on the inside."

I've come to a realization, a very simple one about the majority of people today. We do not look in the mirror at ourselves enough. One night, Phillip made up a lyric, "I've never seen my own smile," and i realized that for many, this is true. Not to long ago, I sat in front of the mirror staring at my own eyes for at least a good 15 to 20 minutes straight. I felt completely disassociated from my own body. The majority of people today only pause to look at their reflection, the reflection of this meat puppet body that we all inhabit for a short time here on earth. Our initial reaction to looking at our own reflection is obviously to associate it with our thoughts. If you see from this body and operate this body then you must be this body, but thats not the case. You stand there, change outfits five different times in order for your ass and thighs to look perfectly formed and your stomach to look as flat as it possibly can, but what do your eyes look like?

They say that eyes are the window to the soul, a rather cliche statement but one of nearly terrifying beauty. It's said everywhere, all the time, countless times a year it's uttered between a person's lips, but, how many people in our society actually pause on a daily basis to look at themselves? Sadly, not too many...

Because of our attachment to the "norm" and to our society, we often completely lose track of the thought that our souls are completely separate from our body. They only join forces for the years here in life and even during that timespan, people forget to bring their soul to the surface, they only care about their image...

I remember in high school we dissected eyeballs once, and up until this point I didn't know much about the actually physicality of them even though my photography and art showed I was obviously obsessed with them for some unknown reason... When I found out the pupil is actually a hole, my mind was of course blown just like many other children I assume, and I remember thinking, "well, whats IN there?"

Well, go take a look...

Theres a line in a song by Animal Collective where he says " Am I really all the things that are outside of me?" and I think its a beautiful line if one really thinks about it momentarily. What do the majority of people spend their days stressing over? Things about their image of course. They start becoming everything they absorb with their five simple senses. But this is all ego, and when you manage to escape from all the masks and paint that is constantly slathered over peoples faces, you realize that growing in consciousness is light years better than a constant paranoia to be or become "perfect."

I once imagined the idea of "perfection." I imagined, what if you could take a photograph of the entire world every single moment and be able to see everything is extreme detail if you so chose to zoom to such lengths? Would each photographic moment not be beautiful? Would it not be pleasing to what your eyes saw pleasurable?

The 300 pound woman sitting on the couch is in that photograph somewhere. The man with scars all over his body is in that image somewhere. Everything "ugly" or made up of imperfections is in my image somewhere at sometime in some moment of the now. But each of those imperfections is as shallow as infinity and as deep as you could ever imagine.

You just have to look into their eyes...

Don't Let the Boulevard Knock You Down...

I've started to realize that the majority of people today are living our lives completely and utterly wrong.
Do you ever walk down the street and see someone smiling at a tree because its simply beautiful? Do you ever do the same ourself? Do you ever stop worrying about what other people thing and take a second to stare at yourself in the mirror to see what you think about the person standing there?

A few months ago I met this guy who completely changed my life, and surprisingly, I am not talking about the love of my life... No, this guy changed me in other ways. He wasn't the guy standing there telling me I look beautiful everyday but he was the one who somehow in one magic hour got it into my head that everything I had ever looked at in this life and every thought I had ever pursued, was indeed, flawed or simply there because of what Society had told me. And for that, Luis, well, I thank you... 


And one of the biggest things he has taught me is this: We do not live life the way in which we should. And the thought? well, it simply brings tears to my eyes.

A few days ago I was talking to one of best friends/ex's and we discussed this basic idea. throughout the conversation I realized that too many people are caught up paying too much attention to other people... People worry too much about what another person is going to think rather than what their natural thoughts and desires tell them. What if instead of wondering how your parents would react to your confession of some secret crime, you told them, with a pre-exsisting acceptance that no matter what, your thoughts on the situation were the only ones that mattered?

What if every time you felt something, you stopped to actually look at it and not let the people walking quickly down the boulevard knock you over...? They aren't the ones who are better off...